“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.