Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I put the mess in domestic.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My neck, my back, my…
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists