nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”