[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader