Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
When ur friends with white people
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*