Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise