[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Who does Amazon think I am?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.