Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
be careful
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed