Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
😜
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”