*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he鈥檚 never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those pi帽a coladas.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla鈥檚 had self healing technology?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
The “baby” on the left….
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I know I couldn鈥檛 handle being in a position of power because when I鈥檓 the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. 鈽橈笍
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.