My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
This is me 🤣🤣
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.