Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.