There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere