Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”