him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Banana is the quietest snack
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.