I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
fourth time’s the charm
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”