If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
incredible
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?