just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
You Might Also Like
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
concern
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.