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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]