What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…