Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m listening
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.