[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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fired
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!