Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation