[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.