Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
dam girl
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.