I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”