“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The point of your 20s
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
absolute chaos
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I already tried new things thanks.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.