There are usually two types of merchants.
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Seems legit
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!