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Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
WHY would you be happy about this?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.