“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.