Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Extremely relatable.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Mission: Impossible
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?