Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
You Might Also Like
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
me refusing to leave twitter
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
This is a whole mood;
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?