I have never related to a cat more
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger