Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]