when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.