*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement