“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!