About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
You Might Also Like
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?