This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro