[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
the short answer to this question
I triple waxed for this?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”