Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
getting groceries
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter