If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Traveler’s camo
🤭😂
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.