The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.