Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
You Might Also Like
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought