Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT