Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you