I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks