You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*