That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”