If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
You Might Also Like
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.